Conflicting Results: Transparency

I’m not really sure if this post is a sequel to last weeks edition, but there certainly is an ongoing thought for me about conflict. Addressing it, responsibly working through it, and appreciating its offerings are not the easiest things for me to do.  However, I like where this is all headed - it looks positive and meaningful - like I might actually learn something really great.  And, if this post is somewhat of a sequel, then here’s to hoping that it’s predictable and with a great hollywood ending.

Struggling with misunderstanding others and feeling occasionally misunderstood, I’ve found an incredible value in healthy transparency this week. Without necessarily seeking this (who really seeks to be transparent during conflict?), it appears to have been found through...oddly enough...me being tired.  Yes, I’ve been very tired of conflict. I’m tired of the ones that are “rehashed bundles of life issues”.  I’m tired of conflicts that are “up out of no where” surprises. I’m tired of them. I’m weary from them. I’m even frustrated with them. And, an important lesson I learned, is that I’m really not alone in some of these feelings!

For me, this “tired of it” feeling actually seems like a good thing. To be clear “I’m tired” doesn't mean that I’m angry, or I’m depressed - - it simply means “I’m tired”. I’m genuinely tired of how the array of conflicts has been consuming my life and I’m tired of how I’ve been responding to them all. I’m so tired of this, that my desire for [healthy] transparency has grown immensely.  Keeping these conflicts in a confined space (i.e. not being transparent about them), as I usually do, seemed like the fuel that enables them grow out of proportion.  Ah, but exposing them to public, unbiased and healthy insight, seems to have put conflict back in check - - sort of like putting boiling water on a persistent weed.  The process is really hot, but the results have no poison and are very productive. Let me be honest here: being “transparent” hasn’t evaporated the conflicts and there isn’t any magic fairy dust that makes things “happy” all of a sudden. However, bringing these matters to the friends and community around me that I trust, in a healthy and responsible manner, seems to do one of two things: 1) Reminds me that others are like me and 2) There are solutions.

This level of transparency could really be useful for me.  I work hard at keeping my dirty laundry in the washroom and not on or in social forums. But maybe I forgot to add in a healthy balance of including a skilled “dirty-laundry-washer-person” in these situations.  By opening up to this idea of transparency, I learned and even experienced how I’m not alone - that conflict is not unique to just me and in this context “I am not unique snowflake”.  There are in fact others who experience similar conflicts in their lives, but like me, they might’ve felt the pressure to keep quiet about it so as to not appear in shambles - again like me.

The relationships I have with my friends, the community I am part of, the responsibilities in my life, my most incredible and beautiful wife, and life’s drama - like a lack of a second car or deceased clothes dryer - are probably not that different than the circumstances of others. Sometimes a storm creeps up and brings its thunder when I’m in a place where I’ve come a great distance already. It’s tiring. I see how this was occurring to me with my return from a pilgrimage to Italy.  Some stormy things were in my control, and many were not. But the best part thus far has really been the transparency. I think I am starting to enjoy the responsible sharing of my laundry with wise people. I like looking at their faces when they say “wow, you’re even like me, Tim”.

So, welcome to my life. I’m seeing lots of light in my conflicts and I’m establishing some very cool relationships and experiences that I’m not sure would have formed, if it weren’t for them. I wonder about this kind of Grace...how truly transforming it is.

As I shared early on in this sabbatical “everyone is on a journey, how tragic it is for those who don’t know it”, I wonder how I might best use this new skill called transparency.  As I embrace it, perhaps the benefit is greater than my own healing....perhaps it may remind others that life’s conflicts, drama, and storms are not unique to just them.