The Mystery of Conflict

Conflict is one of those words that sounds a lot like “work” to me. It requires a process to carefully manage, and it demands gentleness so that a desirable end result is achieved. These are exactly the kind of skills in me that have been tested these last two weeks.  Interesting enough, there are times when I don’t mind conflict - - that isn’t to say that I go looking for it - - but when it happens with certain folks, a truly meaningful good comes from it and I like that kind of growth.  But then there are the majority of times when I really do mind it, because of the immense teeth-pulling effort it seems to require.

What grinds me the most are the times when I don’t feel listened too or understood - like the conflict is going into the realm of being unfair or hurtful.  But really, who does like that?  It can be at these times that my patience becomes very taxed and little good comes from it right away.  These are the times (I’m learning) that conflict requires me to be especially listening and aware of another persons circumstances. Now, putting these items into practice while in the midst of a conflict, is no easy task for me to do especially when it involves someone I care deeply for.

Thank God for wonderful heroes like St Francis, that we can look to as an example for prayer and guidance!  Alas, it may be apparent to the reader that I am going to share some honest transparency about my life from this past week :)

So, when I arrived home from my pilgrimage a few weeks back, I had a warm and somewhat heavenly feeling of peace in my life. Getting into the van from the airport and mixing with my family was wonderful. I could say that I even had the “be patient and listen” thing down pat. Then, about a week later, real life settled in and with it were the newly added complexities of my life: kids back in school, homework, new puppy training, the ongoing search for a car and the home-chores that require my time and mindshare to focus on. Neighbor kids coming over at 6:30am to say hello, and lets add in the clothes dryer that finally gave up the ghost last night. This is real life in so many ways. I shared some of this in the previous edition of the Second Strait, hoping that I could have moved on from it with a real solution. Alas, it dogs me still :)

Now eighteen days after my return home, it is becoming difficult to count the conflicts I’ve experienced, mainly because of the seemingly high quantity of them. Why is this? Why now? Aren’t I supposed to be full of peace, gentleness and kindness from just having returned from a mountain-top pilgrimage? For crying out loud, I met St Francis, St Peter, and St Paul in Rome/Assisi just a fe weeks ago! Is it me? or the world around me? Arrghh these conflicts....some good must come..

Reflecting on them a little deeper, I can say that some really came up out of nowhere and surprised me.  Others were like rehashed bundles of life issues that pop up when the tooth paste tube was squeezed in the wrong spot. Still another, where, for example a friend of mine felt that I had disregarded her husbands painful physical circumstances.  Or even still, closer to home, my beautiful wife and I experienced the conflicts of establishing home priorities and living out our life in a protestant-evangelical and catholic home.  Add in the inconvenience of having one vehicle to transport all five of the Gelletly crew to the places they need to be, a broken clothes dryer (which erupted a noise that shouldn’t ever come from a dryer) and you have the ingredients for a very stretching life.

As I consider these trials and tests though, some of these conflicts can trace their origins to misunderstandings or lack of proper communication. These are things that can be managed through love somewhat easily, especially if I take the time. Some occur by accident - perhaps by something dumb said by mistake. Still others are anchored by hurtful reaction to a “trigger” of sorts. As I examine the conflicts I’m engaged in (which seem to touch on most of these types here), I think what bothers me the most is the lack of visible results from the pilgrimage I just came home from.  I suppose this doesn’t necessarily mean there aren’t any results, but that I just don’t see them yet.

So, yeah, very transparent here, and I hope the reader doesn’t mind, or think less of me.  Being human is what I am learning to do, through grace.

I know I’m not alone in experiencing conflict and I know that there are many who have bigger matters to work through than I. What does help (other than a craft ale) is prayer and hearing about the conflicts that other people are having, and then listening to how they respond to them.  Carl? Taking on the challenges of home renovation is a hard conflict, and you are the man for overcoming it. Sean? You are a strong man seeking genuine peace in this world - and the world is better for it. Scot? Embarking on a home business is no easy task and I will learn a lot watching you. Jenn? You are seeking God in all that you do. Be encouraged that we have the Blessed Hope!

Perhaps in the experiencing of conflict comes a mystery of growth. Though difficult, I can’t think of one conflict that didn’t impact me in some deeper way. In patience and gentleness I have rest in the Hope that this too shall pass.