Conflicting Results: Transparency

I’m not really sure if this post is a sequel to last weeks edition, but there certainly is an ongoing thought for me about conflict. Addressing it, responsibly working through it, and appreciating its offerings are not the easiest things for me to do.  However, I like where this is all headed - it looks positive and meaningful - like I might actually learn something really great.  And, if this post is somewhat of a sequel, then here’s to hoping that it’s predictable and with a great hollywood ending.

Struggling with misunderstanding others and feeling occasionally misunderstood, I’ve found an incredible value in healthy transparency this week. Without necessarily seeking this (who really seeks to be transparent during conflict?), it appears to have been found through...oddly enough...me being tired.  Yes, I’ve been very tired of conflict. I’m tired of the ones that are “rehashed bundles of life issues”.  I’m tired of conflicts that are “up out of no where” surprises. I’m tired of them. I’m weary from them. I’m even frustrated with them. And, an important lesson I learned, is that I’m really not alone in some of these feelings!

For me, this “tired of it” feeling actually seems like a good thing. To be clear “I’m tired” doesn't mean that I’m angry, or I’m depressed - - it simply means “I’m tired”. I’m genuinely tired of how the array of conflicts has been consuming my life and I’m tired of how I’ve been responding to them all. I’m so tired of this, that my desire for [healthy] transparency has grown immensely.  Keeping these conflicts in a confined space (i.e. not being transparent about them), as I usually do, seemed like the fuel that enables them grow out of proportion.  Ah, but exposing them to public, unbiased and healthy insight, seems to have put conflict back in check - - sort of like putting boiling water on a persistent weed.  The process is really hot, but the results have no poison and are very productive. Let me be honest here: being “transparent” hasn’t evaporated the conflicts and there isn’t any magic fairy dust that makes things “happy” all of a sudden. However, bringing these matters to the friends and community around me that I trust, in a healthy and responsible manner, seems to do one of two things: 1) Reminds me that others are like me and 2) There are solutions.

This level of transparency could really be useful for me.  I work hard at keeping my dirty laundry in the washroom and not on or in social forums. But maybe I forgot to add in a healthy balance of including a skilled “dirty-laundry-washer-person” in these situations.  By opening up to this idea of transparency, I learned and even experienced how I’m not alone - that conflict is not unique to just me and in this context “I am not unique snowflake”.  There are in fact others who experience similar conflicts in their lives, but like me, they might’ve felt the pressure to keep quiet about it so as to not appear in shambles - again like me.

The relationships I have with my friends, the community I am part of, the responsibilities in my life, my most incredible and beautiful wife, and life’s drama - like a lack of a second car or deceased clothes dryer - are probably not that different than the circumstances of others. Sometimes a storm creeps up and brings its thunder when I’m in a place where I’ve come a great distance already. It’s tiring. I see how this was occurring to me with my return from a pilgrimage to Italy.  Some stormy things were in my control, and many were not. But the best part thus far has really been the transparency. I think I am starting to enjoy the responsible sharing of my laundry with wise people. I like looking at their faces when they say “wow, you’re even like me, Tim”.

So, welcome to my life. I’m seeing lots of light in my conflicts and I’m establishing some very cool relationships and experiences that I’m not sure would have formed, if it weren’t for them. I wonder about this kind of Grace...how truly transforming it is.

As I shared early on in this sabbatical “everyone is on a journey, how tragic it is for those who don’t know it”, I wonder how I might best use this new skill called transparency.  As I embrace it, perhaps the benefit is greater than my own healing....perhaps it may remind others that life’s conflicts, drama, and storms are not unique to just them. 

The Mystery of Conflict

Conflict is one of those words that sounds a lot like “work” to me. It requires a process to carefully manage, and it demands gentleness so that a desirable end result is achieved. These are exactly the kind of skills in me that have been tested these last two weeks.  Interesting enough, there are times when I don’t mind conflict - - that isn’t to say that I go looking for it - - but when it happens with certain folks, a truly meaningful good comes from it and I like that kind of growth.  But then there are the majority of times when I really do mind it, because of the immense teeth-pulling effort it seems to require.

What grinds me the most are the times when I don’t feel listened too or understood - like the conflict is going into the realm of being unfair or hurtful.  But really, who does like that?  It can be at these times that my patience becomes very taxed and little good comes from it right away.  These are the times (I’m learning) that conflict requires me to be especially listening and aware of another persons circumstances. Now, putting these items into practice while in the midst of a conflict, is no easy task for me to do especially when it involves someone I care deeply for.

Thank God for wonderful heroes like St Francis, that we can look to as an example for prayer and guidance!  Alas, it may be apparent to the reader that I am going to share some honest transparency about my life from this past week :)

So, when I arrived home from my pilgrimage a few weeks back, I had a warm and somewhat heavenly feeling of peace in my life. Getting into the van from the airport and mixing with my family was wonderful. I could say that I even had the “be patient and listen” thing down pat. Then, about a week later, real life settled in and with it were the newly added complexities of my life: kids back in school, homework, new puppy training, the ongoing search for a car and the home-chores that require my time and mindshare to focus on. Neighbor kids coming over at 6:30am to say hello, and lets add in the clothes dryer that finally gave up the ghost last night. This is real life in so many ways. I shared some of this in the previous edition of the Second Strait, hoping that I could have moved on from it with a real solution. Alas, it dogs me still :)

Now eighteen days after my return home, it is becoming difficult to count the conflicts I’ve experienced, mainly because of the seemingly high quantity of them. Why is this? Why now? Aren’t I supposed to be full of peace, gentleness and kindness from just having returned from a mountain-top pilgrimage? For crying out loud, I met St Francis, St Peter, and St Paul in Rome/Assisi just a fe weeks ago! Is it me? or the world around me? Arrghh these conflicts....some good must come..

Reflecting on them a little deeper, I can say that some really came up out of nowhere and surprised me.  Others were like rehashed bundles of life issues that pop up when the tooth paste tube was squeezed in the wrong spot. Still another, where, for example a friend of mine felt that I had disregarded her husbands painful physical circumstances.  Or even still, closer to home, my beautiful wife and I experienced the conflicts of establishing home priorities and living out our life in a protestant-evangelical and catholic home.  Add in the inconvenience of having one vehicle to transport all five of the Gelletly crew to the places they need to be, a broken clothes dryer (which erupted a noise that shouldn’t ever come from a dryer) and you have the ingredients for a very stretching life.

As I consider these trials and tests though, some of these conflicts can trace their origins to misunderstandings or lack of proper communication. These are things that can be managed through love somewhat easily, especially if I take the time. Some occur by accident - perhaps by something dumb said by mistake. Still others are anchored by hurtful reaction to a “trigger” of sorts. As I examine the conflicts I’m engaged in (which seem to touch on most of these types here), I think what bothers me the most is the lack of visible results from the pilgrimage I just came home from.  I suppose this doesn’t necessarily mean there aren’t any results, but that I just don’t see them yet.

So, yeah, very transparent here, and I hope the reader doesn’t mind, or think less of me.  Being human is what I am learning to do, through grace.

I know I’m not alone in experiencing conflict and I know that there are many who have bigger matters to work through than I. What does help (other than a craft ale) is prayer and hearing about the conflicts that other people are having, and then listening to how they respond to them.  Carl? Taking on the challenges of home renovation is a hard conflict, and you are the man for overcoming it. Sean? You are a strong man seeking genuine peace in this world - and the world is better for it. Scot? Embarking on a home business is no easy task and I will learn a lot watching you. Jenn? You are seeking God in all that you do. Be encouraged that we have the Blessed Hope!

Perhaps in the experiencing of conflict comes a mystery of growth. Though difficult, I can’t think of one conflict that didn’t impact me in some deeper way. In patience and gentleness I have rest in the Hope that this too shall pass.

Pilgrimage: Post Application

After more than a week since a new edition of the Second Strait has been published, I find myself working through the busyness that has been in my life since I’ve returned from Italy. The return from my pilgrimage has been a memory maker to say the least, and now I have an opportunity to contemplate the real life application of what my recent adventure gave me.

"Lewis"

Alas, I have realized that within this busyness, I need to schedule the time to actually do the contemplating!  Since my arrival home my beautiful wife, Jennifer, and I have “closed” on the decision to add a four-legged surprise to our family.  Two days after I returned home, we picked up “Lewis” Gelletly - a 6lb Miniature Schnauzer. Earlier that morning, we went through the various rituals of sending all three of our amazing kids back to school in the 6th, 5th and 1st grades.  To make things even more interesting, we’ve added the excitement of hunting for the exactly the right car for our evolving family. 

How about that? Baptism by fire, right? I go from two weeks of deep contemplation, and seeking the ancient roots of the Christian faith, right into kids going back to school, puppy training, and car hunting.  Not to mention getting back into the groove of being husband, dad, and around the house fix-it guy. I can tell you this: it isn’t the easiest thing to do.  

Altar at the tomb of Apostle Paul

Perhaps, though, it isn’t the toughest thing to do either. Because of all the quiet time while in Rome and Assisi, most of my mind was dedicated to unpacking the real-time experience laid out in front of me (this would later give me the tools to respond to my family’s needs).  Each and every single day was an experience of praying at ancient cathedrals, sitting in front of the tombs of well-known apostles, and getting lost with St Francis in the woods. Working my way through these moments with such physical and mental focus allowed me to think through the phrases that continually sung in my mind: “Warm Embrace” and “Suffering”.  It was in this physically walking and mentally contemplative place, that I experienced some very core emotions of the Christian faith, which I may unpack in later editions of the Second Strait.

For now, a moment that stands out on this pilgrimage was a conversation I had with a Franciscan Monk, whom I met at the Basilica of St Francis.  Fortunately for me, he was originally from New York, so we could actually engage one another without a language barrier.  As we spoke, the experience of this Christian religion became a tangible, by way of three of the five human senses.  This brown robed man of humility went on to share how “confession [inside the church] is an encounter with Christ, where we confront our selves”.  To have these words fill my sense of hearing, was like experiencing a release right from my core.  Confusing though, it is as if my core longed for this moment before I even recognized my need for it.

Having the guts to confront myself is hard for me to do.  However, having that warm embrace of a fellow seeker of God, where he and I reach out to Christ so that we may confront the uglies in my sometimes impatient and non-listening heart is a very different situation. Concluding our time together, he spoke the forgiving words of Christ, blessed me and reminded to share the light of this beautiful gospel.  

Basilica of San Francesco d'Assisi

As I was leaving this encounter, the aroma of incense filled my sense of smell, and I made my way to a kneeler near the back of the beautifully ornate chapel, with many others ready to receive Christ.  The liturgy of the Eucharist was about to begin. How beautiful to have heard God, smelled God, and now I will even fill my sense of taste with God! Could this be scripted any better?  I’ve confronted myself with Christ. I’ve recognized the challenges in my life, with Christ. And now, with my fellow pilgrims, I partake of the body of Christ in the Eucharist, inside the basilica of a man that embodied grace and humility: St. Francis.  Ah, and I would do this right along side of St Francis himself, who is entombed in the grotto just beneath the altar just a few feet away.

So, I take this moment and all of its richness with me. This release, and this attempt at confronting myself with Christ is with me also.  I eventually depart the holy sites in Assisi and Rome, and fly to New York, then on to Detroit.  I embrace my beautiful wife. I embrace my amazing kids. I get a puppy. I experience the first day of school.  I start car shopping. I do laundry.  I help with homework.  I clean up puppy-poop. I wash dishes. I mow the grass and I become that “fix-it” guy once again. But this time, I have an extra tool in my “fix-it” bag.

It is in these real-life moments where I must apply the tools of grace and humility I experienced 4,600 miles away. It is in these moments that I share them with the real life that is my own. Pilgrimages must come to an end, so I can apply what I have gained to the real journey that I daily live.