A Wounded Soldier

I have a confession to make.  

The last few publications of the Second Strait were an honest attempt at sharing some of the harder parts of my life in a clean way without revealing too much of my personal environment. However it was likely to be unclear or scattered to the reader and for that, forgive me.  I have no desire to bring about scattered thoughts, or a lack of clarity.

Going forward with a sincere integrity toward my personal environment in these publications, I want to thank you, dear reader, for your patience with me.  I will continue my attempt at sharing things of importance in my life in the most respectful way as I possibly can, to the environment around me.  However unclear or scattered it may be, your patience is appreciated.  Do you need some further clarity from me? Good coffee, better Scotch, and warm hugs are friendly ways to get me into conversation.

Having approached a one year mark of my Catholic conversion on Easter Sunday (April 20th), the honeymoon is [clearly] over. The anniversary party had some life in it with a handful of hi-fives, but it was muted for me. The joy of that glorious welcoming one year ago is not forgotten; the gifts on my night stand still capture my attention, they still adorn my walls and they will always abide in my heart. Ah, but that moment is no doubt behind me - - - one long, whole year behind me. As I ponder that beautiful singular moment of my life, I see the current place on my path as seemingly alone, but graciously (purposefully) scattered with life giving friends along the way. It is just enough to keep my spirits from sinking too deep. Thank you Jeff. Vic. Biff. Joseph. Scot.

Being in this space of pondering, I found that some of the hurts I put on others in the early and zealous years of my life have found a redirected path back to myself. My own fiery darts of accusations, false claims of idolatry and “righteous" teachings were hurled at people that I believed needed salvation and somehow I was in their life to “help” them - all in the name of Christian love. Now, those missiles have made their way back to their launching pad, to explode and reign down its own hurt upon me. I now know first hand what it was like to be thought of as idolatrous, deceived, and misguided.  As the saying goes, karma can be a bitch. As I think of the individuals that I have hurt in years past, I secretly ask for their forgiveness. I’ve tried to find them all, but alas, they are unfindable - even in this connected social-media crazed world. It also makes me wonder where else might I have gone astray earlier on and don’t even know it.  Thank God for His boundless Grace, especially through my potentially sinful ignorance.

How did I choose this to happen? How did I make my way into this path of Catholic Christianity, amidst a very large community of non-Catholics? I didn’t even know any Catholics when I started on this path! Where was the influence? Who persuaded me to take this cliff-walking step away from all formative denominational and non-denominational traditions familiar to me for the first 30+ years of my life? How could I have known that this choice would make life this hard? I can’t blame or credit one person for this direction. Nor can I blame or credit one person for the joys and hurts that I carry because of it. Could I blame or credit Jesus? The Holy Spirit? God the Father Himself? Or perhaps the Devil? and all his fallen angels? certainly not…the fullness of my faith has never been more alive (thanks be to God!)! But, the burden of carrying such a treasure reduces me to muted expressions of my belief to the protestant environment I’m immersed in. On the other hand, sharing the evangelistic fervor of this ancient faith to some in the Catholic community, has an air of confusion or strangeness to them. Fr Dimitri Sala says it well when he describes himself as a wounded soldier in his book “The Stained Glass Curtain”. He describes himself as being looked on with suspicion by both Evangelical and Catholic groups; feeling unable to fully participate in either camp. While it is not all doom and gloom for this pilgrim, I would be lying if I said it didn’t have any hurt or sadness from this year-long stride I’ve taken. This is where I am right now. 

After worshiping with the ancient practices of the Byzantine Church on Good Friday, and the Roman Rite Christians during Easter Vigil, I watched how lovers of Christ kissed His wounds and mourned God’s literal death. I watched others take vows of Christianity probably for the first time ever. I watched how such diversity was gleaming with joy when

God “stopped death”. Waking up on Easter Sunday morning, the big word that came to my mind was Ecumenicism. I think about the giant rift of 500 year old arguments knocking on my front door and I wonder how it might [ever] come to a conclusion? How is it possible for tens of thousands of Christian denominations and “non-denominations” to unify as one? How does Christianity become one as Jesus and the Father are one (John 17:20-21)? How do we drop our personal feelings toward another denomination (or lack of denomination) while retaining the conscience of our convictions? Can this be done in love or at least respect? Is it possible to ever be harmonious? Dr. Peter Kreeft shares some bold comments on this challenging topic in his lecture “Ecumenicism Without Compromise”. If only we would take such steps to being one church.

As one who has a tent erected in both camps, I can see from hindsight the stupidity of my own mistakes and offenses that I’ve made and continue to make. The best advice I could share…(if anyone would accept it) is first to Catholics: Meet a protestant who loves their faith, become their friend and ask to participate in one of their small groups and read the bible the way that they do. It really is beautiful. Let go of your preconceptions and enjoy their company - they have such a deep focus of Christ that you need to absorb. The next best advice I could share…(if anyone would accept it) is to Protestants: Meet a catholic who loves their faith, become their friend and ask about why they pray with all the saints in heaven, and ask why they bow before taking the Holy Eucharist. And certainly, learn about Mary the mother of Christ.  I assure you, these people are not idolatrous. They seek only a deep and ancient love of Christ and have found such a rich sacramental experience of Jesus that you need to absorb. 

Well, there it is.  To the patient reader, who has followed along this last year of my life, perhaps there is some insight to the personal happenings I can’t keep hidden.  You’ll probably hear my frustrations in this publication and others.  When you meet me, you may even see my hurts; but please also ask about my joys, because there are many.  Stay with me, my dear protestant and Catholic friends. I’m still fairly new at this and I can see first hand why Jesus wanted so badly to have us all remain one. As the saying goes, “He is Risen Indeed”….so lets act like it and be His one and only body that has been risen.

The Lesson From a Nigerian Cab Driver

I think it is fair to say that I’ve done a decent share of travel in my life.  While most of it is usually for business, I do try to make the most of the travel by visiting places that are unique or interesting, and absorbing stories from local folks.

Truth be told, I actually like business travel.  I like it even more when it’s less business and more exploring and, of course, properly balanced with my life at home. On a recent trip to Denver, the travel excitement began with an interesting and reflective story for me, before I even left Detroit. Right around 6:45am on a Monday I got into a cab headed to the airport that was driven by a tall, dark man with a thick accent and a beard. After getting situated in the car, pulling up my flight details on my phone, and checking over a few emails, I ask him what I ask most cab drivers who pick me up from home: “are you originally from Detroit”? After the standard chuckled response, I always enjoy what comes next - because it is a surprise every time.  

This man was from Nigeria and has lived in Detroit now for 25 years. He came to this country to achieve a dream for himself. He went to the University of Michigan to  earn a degree, married a woman he fell in love with, and started a family.  He says “…there is nothing better than this…it is comfortable and nice for me…”. He went on to share how he returns to Nigeria about 2-3 times each year to visit siblings, parents and family who are still living there, and he tells me how he takes time to mentor young boys and young men each time he goes back. He continued sharing by explaining that he is planning to return to Nigeria for good with his wife, children, knowledge and comparative wealth so that he can be more of an influence on the the young people in the town he grew up in.  Listening to him share this part of his story in his deep and firm tone, it sounded to me as if his very soul was establishing this commitment. It appeared to be something very deep in his life and more profound than what I might call a normal life-change than each of us experience at various points in our lives with job changes, or new children being born. 

When I hear this sort of caring response to humanity, it captures my complete attention. I dive straight in and want to know more.  So,  I have to ask what seems logical to me in a very politically correct way: “is this like a religious conviction of yours?” And, here is where things became exciting.  My Nigerian friend said very loudly “NO! Absolutely NOT! Religion is the WORST thing in the world and the cause of WAR EVERYWHERE!” He explained how he was raised Muslim and right around the time he came to the United States he converted to a Pentecostal form of Christianity. That conversion alone seems quite radical to me - clearly this guy is searching for some answers!  However, he says that he has rejected that conversion, and all forms of religion because he feels they only teach hate by saying their message is the right way to God.  He began harping on the Pentecostal pastors he met both here in the USA and in Nigeria by saying they ask for money and claim to give the people some spiritual power and authority over “everything” in their life, yet the people live in filth while the pastors live in big homes and fly private jets. It appears my question touched off a very sensitive nerve here, and his passionate tirade went on for a good while.  Oddly (and somewhat surprising to me) though, my Catholic religious convictions came up and he quieted down, saying that the Catholics were the only religious people he would ever respect. This puzzled me… Wether he shared this because I was his paying customer or not, I guess I’ll never know, but he offered some context for that quieted & respectful response.  He says “The catholics built the school in his home town, the catholics built the hospital in his home town, and the catholics never fly private jets, and the catholics always give and never ask for anything in return”. The Nigerian man and I parted ways at the airport a little while later, but this conversation really stuck with me for a few days and I tried to see things from his perspective as best I could, while bing objective as well.

After thinking this through for a while, I began to see the power of perception.  Maybe my Nigerian friend did not hear of “Bishop Bling” who was released from his post in Germany because of glutinous overspending on his private mansion. Maybe he is unaware of the child-abuse cases that the church is reeling from. Or maybe he is unaware of the countless other mistakes that have been made (and have yet to be made) by the people within the Catholic church. Or, maybe he is aware of these things, but because these mistakes are not directly impacting his world, they didn’t have the weight to carry any passionate disgust. Instead, what he is actually seeing are life giving actions happening in his home town by Catholics: hospitals, schools, and a generally humble way of life.

Having spent considerable time raised in various Pentecostal traditions myself, I can appreciate the concern he has to the opulent appearance of money, power, authority and selfishness within this religious tradition. However, these problems aren’t limited to just Pentecostalism. However, it is easy to be critical with failed examples of popular televangelists like Jim Baker, Jimmy Swaggert, Benny Hin but also with Catholic leaders like Franz-Peter Tebart-van Elst. IN these cases, living a life of Christian Humility, Sacrifice and Compassion appeared absent and actually ended in tragedy for some, thus making it easy for the audience to get very angry. When I read what Jesus constantly taught and then I learn about how he actually operated His life with humility, sacrifice and compassion, I can understand why the crowds came looking for something that was different than the traditional human message of Power, Authority and Self-Focus.

It seems to me that most [Christian] religions or traditions get a bad rap by folks primarily because it includes humans who have made terrible decisions. Then, things get worse because other humans start claiming that terrible mistake that was made now means that the entire religion or tradition is the “wrong one” to find God. Now I can’t speak to non-christian religions like Islam, Buddhism, or Hinduism because I’ve never really studied them.  But if I learn what true religion is from a Christian perspective, I see that it is supposed to include humility, sacrifice and compassion and keeping oneself pure or unstained from fault (James 1:26-27). 

Now, putting this thought under a more internal and reflective lens, I have to wonder: How do I avoid falling into the easy trap of criticizing these men and women who make an embarrassment out of the word “Christian”? How do I avoid criticizing 21st century men and women for their interpretation of Christianity, when it appears to point to comfort instead of sacrifice, power instead of compassion, or authority instead of humility (or how about “The Mall” instead of “The Soup Kitchen” or the private jet and new car instead of a borrowed donkey)? Perhaps these men and women claim some special understanding of a “Christian Power”, but truly it is the meek, merciful, and peacemakers who really have this so called “Christian Power” (Matthew 5:2-11).  Something powerful and healing must happen in me, in order to function out of a compassionate heart and remain unstained from fault. In fact, it must be a work of mercy and forgiveness happening in me to demonstrate genuine acts of compassion, humility and sacrifice toward those who do embarrass the “Christian Life”. Aren’t I just as hypocritical if I see a terrible flaw in someones teaching or beliefs and then separate myself from them, and hold merciless thoughts or angry reactions against them? This too is an embarrassment to Christianity.

Now, I’m not quite good enough to call myself an an armchair theologian and I certainly do not have any formal or academically sound diagnosis to share here, but what I think I am seeing is this: When the focus of Christianity is centered on comfort, power or authority it appears to be some kind of serious misunderstanding of Christianity - - like an illness or affliction. The results that I see coming from a teaching of power, authority and self focus are hardly life giving to the communal body we are part of. Really, this looks to me as the direct opposite of the teachings of Jesus. It’s almost like a sickness, of self focus.  So, if these traits are some form of sickness, then what shall I do? Well, then my heart must be moved to compassion and not to criticism. And, I should work to bring “peacemaker” medicine  to these sick folks, rather than an exercise of power or authority over them affliction (Matthew 14:14). 

Pondering this further, I consider three aspects that Christ never grew tired of demonstrating: Compassion, Humility, and Sacrifice to everyone he met. So, my next step is to explore examples of real people who have taken on a life of humility and compassion and

Bishop Oscar Romero

sacrifice in a more modern environment. How wonderful it is to find such heroes who won millions of hearts across all spectrums of religion, philosophy and practices - a lot like what Jesus did - with these three actions: Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Mother Theresa of Calcutta, Corrie ten Boom, Fr. Solanus Casey, Oscar Romero or Cesar Chavez.  I wonder if their focus had instead been a belief that they had power, or authority over the issue at hand (even if they were still correct in their cause), would they have made as much of a profound impact on the social justice triumphs they are known for?

As I see it, if everyone made the mistake of being too compassionate, too humble, too sacrificial it would be a lot easier to forgive, than making the mistake of being too powerful, too authoritative, or too self focused.  Perhaps with this kind of better “mistake”, I just might see Christ as He may have wanted to be seen.  So, my take away from all this comes to a crux: In one moment I can choose a quick and easy way of commanding a situation with a human understanding of “Christian” power and authority.  Or, I can choose a memorable way of earning the hearts of people with the “Christian” power of Compassion, Sacrifice and Humility.  

Perhaps I’ll have a chance to meet my Nigerian friend again some day and feed him some  powerfully compassionate medicine.  In the mean time, I should find a way to live loudly with merciful actions of medicine to everyone else.