A Wounded Soldier

I have a confession to make.  

The last few publications of the Second Strait were an honest attempt at sharing some of the harder parts of my life in a clean way without revealing too much of my personal environment. However it was likely to be unclear or scattered to the reader and for that, forgive me.  I have no desire to bring about scattered thoughts, or a lack of clarity.

Going forward with a sincere integrity toward my personal environment in these publications, I want to thank you, dear reader, for your patience with me.  I will continue my attempt at sharing things of importance in my life in the most respectful way as I possibly can, to the environment around me.  However unclear or scattered it may be, your patience is appreciated.  Do you need some further clarity from me? Good coffee, better Scotch, and warm hugs are friendly ways to get me into conversation.

Having approached a one year mark of my Catholic conversion on Easter Sunday (April 20th), the honeymoon is [clearly] over. The anniversary party had some life in it with a handful of hi-fives, but it was muted for me. The joy of that glorious welcoming one year ago is not forgotten; the gifts on my night stand still capture my attention, they still adorn my walls and they will always abide in my heart. Ah, but that moment is no doubt behind me - - - one long, whole year behind me. As I ponder that beautiful singular moment of my life, I see the current place on my path as seemingly alone, but graciously (purposefully) scattered with life giving friends along the way. It is just enough to keep my spirits from sinking too deep. Thank you Jeff. Vic. Biff. Joseph. Scot.

Being in this space of pondering, I found that some of the hurts I put on others in the early and zealous years of my life have found a redirected path back to myself. My own fiery darts of accusations, false claims of idolatry and “righteous" teachings were hurled at people that I believed needed salvation and somehow I was in their life to “help” them - all in the name of Christian love. Now, those missiles have made their way back to their launching pad, to explode and reign down its own hurt upon me. I now know first hand what it was like to be thought of as idolatrous, deceived, and misguided.  As the saying goes, karma can be a bitch. As I think of the individuals that I have hurt in years past, I secretly ask for their forgiveness. I’ve tried to find them all, but alas, they are unfindable - even in this connected social-media crazed world. It also makes me wonder where else might I have gone astray earlier on and don’t even know it.  Thank God for His boundless Grace, especially through my potentially sinful ignorance.

How did I choose this to happen? How did I make my way into this path of Catholic Christianity, amidst a very large community of non-Catholics? I didn’t even know any Catholics when I started on this path! Where was the influence? Who persuaded me to take this cliff-walking step away from all formative denominational and non-denominational traditions familiar to me for the first 30+ years of my life? How could I have known that this choice would make life this hard? I can’t blame or credit one person for this direction. Nor can I blame or credit one person for the joys and hurts that I carry because of it. Could I blame or credit Jesus? The Holy Spirit? God the Father Himself? Or perhaps the Devil? and all his fallen angels? certainly not…the fullness of my faith has never been more alive (thanks be to God!)! But, the burden of carrying such a treasure reduces me to muted expressions of my belief to the protestant environment I’m immersed in. On the other hand, sharing the evangelistic fervor of this ancient faith to some in the Catholic community, has an air of confusion or strangeness to them. Fr Dimitri Sala says it well when he describes himself as a wounded soldier in his book “The Stained Glass Curtain”. He describes himself as being looked on with suspicion by both Evangelical and Catholic groups; feeling unable to fully participate in either camp. While it is not all doom and gloom for this pilgrim, I would be lying if I said it didn’t have any hurt or sadness from this year-long stride I’ve taken. This is where I am right now. 

After worshiping with the ancient practices of the Byzantine Church on Good Friday, and the Roman Rite Christians during Easter Vigil, I watched how lovers of Christ kissed His wounds and mourned God’s literal death. I watched others take vows of Christianity probably for the first time ever. I watched how such diversity was gleaming with joy when

God “stopped death”. Waking up on Easter Sunday morning, the big word that came to my mind was Ecumenicism. I think about the giant rift of 500 year old arguments knocking on my front door and I wonder how it might [ever] come to a conclusion? How is it possible for tens of thousands of Christian denominations and “non-denominations” to unify as one? How does Christianity become one as Jesus and the Father are one (John 17:20-21)? How do we drop our personal feelings toward another denomination (or lack of denomination) while retaining the conscience of our convictions? Can this be done in love or at least respect? Is it possible to ever be harmonious? Dr. Peter Kreeft shares some bold comments on this challenging topic in his lecture “Ecumenicism Without Compromise”. If only we would take such steps to being one church.

As one who has a tent erected in both camps, I can see from hindsight the stupidity of my own mistakes and offenses that I’ve made and continue to make. The best advice I could share…(if anyone would accept it) is first to Catholics: Meet a protestant who loves their faith, become their friend and ask to participate in one of their small groups and read the bible the way that they do. It really is beautiful. Let go of your preconceptions and enjoy their company - they have such a deep focus of Christ that you need to absorb. The next best advice I could share…(if anyone would accept it) is to Protestants: Meet a catholic who loves their faith, become their friend and ask about why they pray with all the saints in heaven, and ask why they bow before taking the Holy Eucharist. And certainly, learn about Mary the mother of Christ.  I assure you, these people are not idolatrous. They seek only a deep and ancient love of Christ and have found such a rich sacramental experience of Jesus that you need to absorb. 

Well, there it is.  To the patient reader, who has followed along this last year of my life, perhaps there is some insight to the personal happenings I can’t keep hidden.  You’ll probably hear my frustrations in this publication and others.  When you meet me, you may even see my hurts; but please also ask about my joys, because there are many.  Stay with me, my dear protestant and Catholic friends. I’m still fairly new at this and I can see first hand why Jesus wanted so badly to have us all remain one. As the saying goes, “He is Risen Indeed”….so lets act like it and be His one and only body that has been risen.