Over the last few days and even weeks, I have experienced a different hue of decision making for my life. It’s a kind of intentional decisiveness that provides real results, regardless if they turn out to be negative or positive. As these decisions are being formed, I sort of feel like an observer who watches them as they begin to take shape.
Looking back at one recent decision that my beautiful wife and I made, we were concluding the process of buying a second car to replace our Mercury. I started to recognize this feeling of “observation” as it became more apparent to me: what I was doing, and how I was doing it. We did all our homework. We knew the brand, style, engine size, maintenance requirements, mileage, age and other important factors for this family-go-getter. We learned which problems to expect and what to avoid from the preferred vehicle. We worked through the conflicts and we also learned that when one is on sabbatical, there is no opportunity to get a loan. In other words, this is a cash only purchase, so we couldn’t make a mistake on this. After about 6-7 weeks of searching, we found that vehicle that made sense for us....which lead us to making a decision...which lead us to writing out a check....which means saying goodbye to an awful lot of hard-earned bank savings.....which lead us to hope that we did our homework right, and hopefully avoid buyers remorse. This was intentional decision making at a very real level.
Another big decision we have been working through is the reality of our financial responsibilities at the conclusion of this sabbatical. After all, a kid like me can only live on savings for so long before the focus of earning an income becomes the primary objective. So here begins that decision making process of what to do and how to do it. The outcome of this decision will be intentional, but it comes with all the big life changing characteristics like unknowns, uncertainty...and dare I say fear?
For me, responding to the unknown is a difficult thing to do. Thinking through this, I speculate that it’s probably because I can’t place a name on what the unknown is, and I cannot place the unknown in a “box” of sorts to control. The unknown has an ambiguity to it, that keeps it shapeless and perhaps chaotic. In my short 35 years on this planet, I’ve learned that responding to things unknown is rarely done the same way twice. Thus, relying on the comfort of faith and the communion of my fellow brothers and sisters is crucial. While this doesn’t take away the unknown, I at least have the ability to respond to the unknown without being alone. Ah, but allowing decisions to remain unmade or allowing things to simply happen seems to empower the unknown more than it has a right to be empowered. In this place, I could find myself in a prison of my own making....staying put...reacting in uncertainty or worse.......fear. Dare I say that making a decision that becomes bad, might be better than not making any decision at all? I suppose I’ll have to ponder that one a little longer.
As I think through what the next couple months entail for me and my family, the unknown is certainly on my mind. That said, the need to meet my family responsibilities in a post-sabbatical world is an unknown that I am [quite truthfully] becoming excited about. In fact, I’ve shared some of my ideas about my plan with some key individuals. The responses I’ve received have had a broad range on the spectrum from fear of the unknown, to confidence that this will be a productive and successful result. While I value all the responses on the spectrum (this is important, especially with the not so comfortable responses, so that I keep a level head through this decision making process) I’ve found that the fuel I need most is hearing encouraging words from my community, and being assured that building on the capabilities that I have learned will be helpful in this adventure. Of course there is no promise that this will all “work” per se, but it is amazing how powerful a simple phrase of encouragement can be for some one (like me) working through something new and challenging. Thank God for the community of people He has given me in my life.
Perhaps facing the unknown is a thing beauty. Confronting a given “unknown” reminds me that while I don’t have everything under control, I have the benefit of touring this journey as an active and responsible participant, while retaining an unexplainable confidence that the end result will be sufficient for my needs. Call it faith and works united for the benefit of this journey. Could I ask for anything more? When I make intentional choices that are thought out, contemplative and strategized, there seems to be a power of sorts that that goes along with it. Maybe this is what has been called an “American Dream” or “Pursuit of Happiness” or “Desires of the Heart”. Whatever it is on secular or spiritual terms, I am definitely seeing the action of works responding to faith, which [for me] seems to ignite this life adventure and make it an amazing experience.
Do I have an idea? Have I looked at the risk-reward calculations? Then I must make a decision: put action behind the idea (hint: faith & works) and then work it through. Or, don’t. And then I shall wonder what might have been and miss the spice of life God has allowed me to taste.
There is a responsibility to be had in this operation. Certainly there is no room for carelessness. Praying and contemplating through these things with the help of God and seeking the community of mentors and I have, is critical. And then, engaging the variety of tangible resources at my disposal like people, technology, transportation, and common sense are the right ingredients to make this work.
Stay tuned. This adventure is taking off...again...thanks be to God.
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