Profound Foundations

While Easter is still about a month away (April 20th), it was roughly a year ago that I was wrapping up a position at a recognized education-tech company, as well as concluding my studies in a formation class at my church parish. Last year, Easter was on March 31 and it was at the evening vigil ceremony that I began a dramatic change in two important areas of my life: my religious journey and my professional journey. I’m approaching an anniversary here for both areas, and it is the kind of anniversary that I didn’t expect to be as emotional and powerful as it is becoming. I’m finding that the song in my heart and curiosity in my mind are relishing those days that led up to the vigil in such a deep and rich way. Words like awe, and wonder, and contemplation have something like a perpetual harmonious hum, echoing in my mind.  Honestly, it is really quite lovely.

Buuuuuuut, maybe for the sake of this story, we should move past the noises in my head, that only I can hear……………..

My Christian upbringing, some would say, was typical of the evangelical-protestant-patriotic-American-midwestern kind.  It had all the flavors of a relationship based God, with Charismatic overtones and a good portion of tongues, prophets, dancing, and loud singing.  Those who are of the gen-X demographic and who also experienced Psalty, Buddy Barrel, and Promise Keepers, well, you might have a decent first-hand understanding of my initial religious foundation. Perhaps you’d even recall the “Tooth-n-Nail” bands like MxPx, Starflyer59, Joy Electric, Pedro the Lion, Fold Zandura, Stavesacre ….*sigh*….I saw everyone of these bands in  concert…and I used to be sooooo cool…….

The other day, I was in a discussion about this very upbringing.  One thing that I added to that conversation and have made to sure include in conversations like this, is clarifying that I don’t reject my evangelical upbringing. To the possible surprise of some, it is quite the opposite; I embrace it for sincere reasons that I’ll explain in a moment. However, in hindsight, I recognize that my upbringing was a little different than most of the main stream Christian denominations, but I didn't know that at the time and I thought I had “it” right. I was definitely not raised in a liturgical environment, I did not know what a lectionary was, Jesus was a best friend, WWJD bracelets were worn and traded, and church was supposed to be fun.  What was wrong with that? Well, nothing was “exactly” wrong with that.  In fact, it is this very relational upbringing that carried me to the depth and mystery of the ancient church that I subscribed to one year ago.  This same upbringing that I lived in, and then made my own, is what begged me to answer several questions like: What was Christianity doing from 100AD to 1500AD? Who were some of the Christian thinkers during that time period that made major contributions to this faith? How did Christians actually “do church” up through the 3rd century, when the bible wasn’t “invented” (well, the proper term is “canonized”)? Why did the bible change in the 16th century after 1,200 years of being the same?

Looking over this past year, I’m grateful for the understanding and foundation of what I learned of the basic Christian “evangelical” faith.  During those late teen years and early adult years, I felt that I was chewing on a good understanding of this faith - and I was. However, I didn’t realize then how deep this ancient mysterious faith really went.  It was helpful for me to be introduced to some individuals that traveled a path similar to mine and wrote about their story in all its turmoil and beauty.  Dr. Scott Hahn and his wife Kimberly Hahn and also Mr. Steve Ray each offer meaningful insight and share emotional aspects about their interactions with family, friends, and the community that they serve. Reading about their lives and the decisions they’ve made, I can appreciate the challenge one must go through when they are faced with a path that is foreign to them, and then having to take small steps onto an unfamiliar road. I can appreciate it, because I have now done it. And it hurts, with the most wonderful joy. This kind of decision usually will come with costs; if there were not a cost, then I have to ask myself what is the point? If there is no risk, then how important or meaningful could it really be for my life? I’ve learned that things of significant importance, will have cost associated with them.

Now fast forward to the present moment, and you find me participating in the annual and sobering journey of lent.  I’ve heard it said that this is the time of walking arm-in-arm with Jesus, straight to his torturous death at Golgotha. Along this journey one can contemplate the person, deeds and life of this ancient Middle-Eastern man who impacted religions, cultures, history, our calendar, science, and countless other areas. It is during this lenten season that I am able consider his prayers and torments in the desert for 40 days, the rejections from his community in Nazareth, the moments he dined with seedy sinners, his devout attention to the poor and him never tiring of commanding his friends to give them something to eat. If you’ll allow my transparency; in these reflections I fight back very rich and deep emotions. Setting aside this kind of time toward the contemplation of this sort of Jesus, is like drinking a very different form of Christianity for me than what I knew previously. 

I suppose my being prepared by the evangelical circles over the previous 30-some years gave me a foundation of smiley moments that included a “Jesus-And-Me” thinking, and a “Buddy-Buddy” relationship with God.  Again, I don’t necessarily reject this thinking, because I needed to know this “personalized-Christ” that these circles have taught about.  If I didn't have these preparations, then the hurt and sorrow of becoming like this man who journeyed through the desert, devoted his attention to the poor, dining with seedy sinners and experiencing denials, accusations, and rejections by his friends…..well, it wouldn't be as real, rich or powerful  to me the way it is now.  In other words, this “personalized-relationship” concept is important because it binds me to the sweat induced work, tired emotions, painful hurts, tearful sorrows, deep-well joys and emotionally overwhelming blessings that come with a “personalized-Jesus”. This same thinking commands me to work in soup kitchens, build relationship with the seedy sinners, and devote attention to the poor, broken and disenfranchised…if my “best friend” does this, shouldn’t I?

So, there is a sense of sobriety that has come about in me. I am grateful for this ancient Catholic Church that welcomed me in, with all the joy and sorrow that Jesus endured, despite my early prejudices against it. The lessons shared with me by some wonderful evangelical people, who today might question “Why the heck did he become Catholic?” has lead me to the richest levels of understanding. To these wonderful people, I say with all sincerity; A deep and profound thank you for your prayers and guidance - always. And in return, I pray the blessing prayer that I have learned from you: “May God continue make himself real to you each and every day, in each in every way”.

"T.L.T.L.S.N.T.L.C" is not that Hard to Remember

It’s the first week back to the work life and I’ve already hit the ground running. While meeting my new team in NYC, I had the opportunity to engage with some very talented individuals who enjoy the work they do in the video asset management industry. I was particularly fond of the way these folks expressed their viewpoints for a meaningful use of technology in everyday experiences. One of the executive leaders in this organization shared his own uninhibited hopes of how this company will take on a thought-leadership role eventually becoming the industry standard by which video will be consumed. Having worked in highly “technolgized” environments before, I was familiar with the usual passion and strategies for the future.  However, after 11 months, this step away from the sabbatical and back into the work life seemed to give me a very different flavor - - it’s almost as if my work “palate” has been cleaned out, so room for new work flavors can spark some creativity.  What a way to begin a week of “back-to-work” life.

The role I take in my profession (and one of my own goals) is to find an alignment between my clients strategic objectives and the solutions my organization develops. This means lots of communication.  Usually, it isn't too hard of a process, since it is a fairly simple method of “Talk, Listen, Talk, Listen, Strategize, Negotiate, Talk, Listen, and Conclude”, or T.L.T.L.S.N.T.L.C. for short. Easy enough for anyone to remember.

Forgive the “rabbit-trail-visual” here: A tree slowly expands from the small seed it once was, growing its roots through the soil, breaking through final layers of the earth and then reaching into the heavens. In a similar way as this tree visual, this goofy “T.L.T.L.S.N.T.L.C.” process has grown in me over the last 14 years of my career. The funny thing is that I didn’t fully realize how this process has crept into so many different ideas of my life. These ideas (and by default that process) have impacted my personal space(s) of business, friendship, and spiritual life. Forgive me, I’m still processing all this, so the explanation may be a little harder to articulate right now……but I’ll try.

I’ve watched myself almost migrate into a place of really understanding that a some of my own views on the world around me are quite different than those that are held by people I greatly care about - in whatever community that is (family, church, professional, etc.). Some people could say that “Tim-is-just-slow” to realize that now. Sure, fine, maybe. But I get it now.

In my professional world, a certain client may have a need for something very specific and have a desire to find a solution. In some cases a client could be simply reacting to a surface problem and I have to figure out what is happening underneath that reaction.  Thus, my job is to understand their objective, and align a certain technology or platform to meet the business need.  Pretty simple really. Ah, but to do this effectively, I have to set aside so much of “me”, so that I don’t get in the way of their professional success. Another way of looking at it is this: my own experiences or feelings about a situation needs to be set aside so I do not prescribe or influence a business solution until I know all the components of the hidden need. But, here is the balance: my own experiences and training are what I draw on to eventually influence the prescription in a professional manner. The result is a sterile process removing much of my viewpoints and emotions, while learning the needs of the client and sharing a strategy-driven and data-driven business solution. Now, practice this for an entire career…and welcome to my compartmentalized mind.

Now, as I make my way through this sterile process, I seldom have the opportunity to share the personal views, ideas, and perspectives that might add color to who the real Tim Gelletly is - as it should be in most cases.  So, here is my recently uncovered dilemma: if after doing this for about 8-10 hours a day, for each work day, for more than 13 years or so……I identify what is a work conversation, and what is a personal conversation and never the two shall meet. Alas, here is the strange part: some kind of grafting has occurred over the years….some elements of the “T.L.T.L.S.N.T.L.C.” method has crept into my marriage, my friendships, my parish family…..and then some elements of the “colorful” Tim has crept into the work place. This “grafting” has likely been happening for some time and surprisingly a corporation still hires me, my beautiful wife still remains married to me, and my parish community still likes me! All this is evidence to me that I am still changing….expanding beyond the seed, sending roots through the soil, breaking through the earth surface, and reaching the heavens, and taking with me several experiences of that strenuous growth process along the way.

A frustrating part that I’m working through now, is the place of sharing views that others may disagree with at deeper levels than expected.  The “T.L.T.L.S.N.T.L.C.” Tim attempts to downplay my differing views, and build bridges with everyone, while the colorful Tim needs to share…no SHOUT!!….a perspective like why he has chickens in his yard, or why he became Catholic (or other views) to his friends and family who still may not agree with any of these decisions.  And then, even within the circles where I think I’ve found a welcome solace, I find that I’m ready to share some views that they may not be ready to accept. Maybe the real talent, then, is the timing on when (or if) to share at all.

Geeeze…..am I weird or what? Who thinks this way….let alone writes this stuff down! :)  Okay, so I’ve probably overused the “T.L.T.L.S.N.T.L.C.” phrase, but I hope some meaning for the reader came from that beautiful mess - even if was something to laugh at it.  

A personal take away for me, that my sabbatical helped create, is developing the ability to communicate my ideas and perspectives - especially when they are different, or not agreeable to the audience. This isn’t license to be stubborn or hard-headed at all, but I’ve learned that…well, I’m different…and I’m learning how to be different with the same people. Several of my views include the teachings of the Ancient Christian (Catholic) church and now almost a year later I still find myself struggling to connect with people that I deeply care about when this topic comes up.  So I remind myself that (if I can borrow the phrase) “I’ve come out of the [protestant and non-denominational] closet” and I am a confident Catholic. While I’m at it, I also enjoy expensive Scotch. I pray with St. Mary. I nearly cry every time I participate in the Eucharist celebration. I cuss when my van gets stuck in the snow. I like my Peterson Pipe. I want to emulate Pope Francis in everything I do (because everything he does is pointed back at Jesus). The Fifth Element is one of the best Sci-Fi films EVER. I seek and devour and attempt to emulate ancient Christian tradition.  And I really, really like 90’s grunge and classic rock music. So here are some “things” that I do, or enjoy. Good or bad. Right or wrong. I’m figuring it all out and I paid a lot of dues, on a lot of levels, to experience it.

I have always preferred and still prefer common ground in all my relationships, because it makes things in that relationship smooth. However, my hope is that when I start to share my perspectives (which could be radically different than “yours”), that the responses include attempts at finding commonalities in our both of our radically different experiences.

There is no doubt that I have some learning left to do on my own convictions and communicating them with out worry of the response. For example, the very aspect of taking a sabbatical was risky at this point in my life.  Burning through my savings seems unconventional - some might use the term reckless.  Was there guarantee of employment afterward? Nope.  Was their a safety net if it didn't play out right? Nope. Did I experience moments of complete reliance on Faith in God? Yup. Did I have mountain top experiences (literal and spiritual) that could have only occurred when I risked my dependance and my future? Yup.  Do I have added know-how when it comes time to take another calculate risk? Yup.  The take away from this, is in the results. So, will responsibly embrace this “graft”. Take calculated risks when its time to share that one controversial viewpoint. I will surround myself with hundreds of excellent advice givers and counselors. I will take another step of crazy at some point. After all, it is only crazy if it doesn’t work….right?

What is a Conclusion Anyway?

How does one conclude a journey? And I don’t mean the kind that involves a getaway to somewhere warm either. Rather the kind of journey that was designed to experience rest, exploration, and discovery. I’ve been processing this for a while now, and I see several potential conclusions to my own sabbatical.  However, I’m not terribly satisfied with any singular possibility.  Instead, I’m thinking that it is supposed to be a collection of the possibilities working in unison...time will tell I suppose, if that is correct.  As I process this I’m genuinely curious about the “how”.  How does one conclude an adventure that  started with a new path, interacting with my beautiful family, incredible religious mystery, geographical wonder, and wholesome involvement? Shouldn’t the conclusion evoke the same kind of wonder and excitement that the start did? Wouldn’t it make sense to watch everything fall into place so that a nice, clean, and smooth transition from a time of rest to a time of work occurs?

I know, I ask a lot of questions, but hey, I paid a lot of money for this adventure so I think I’m allowed. I wish could tell the reader that everything went swimmingly the entire time. However, that simply wasn’t the case - what real journey would be? I didn’t expect painful trials with a few friends and family members.  I didn’t expect that some of the carefully and strategically planned steps I made would still land on someone else's foot. I didn’t see that however much I planned, anticipated, forecasted, and considered the journey ahead, that I would still be unable to avoid the unexpected. Alas, my fallible imperfections go on public display.

Granted, as I wrap things up, it’s easier now that I am on this side of the journey; hind sight really is 20/20.  So I ask, what would a journey be without the unexpected? I wonder if it safe for me say that I’m grateful for those unexpected things....they have no doubt made an impact on my person.  If there is one thing I learned, it is something that I keep saying to myself over and over: “everyone is on a journey...how tragic for those who don’t know it”.  Thus, I’m learning how to embrace a journey, even when I’m not sure I understand it, or even if the journey arrived at a conclusion before I realized it I was on it. (This is somewhat a challenge for me, because I like things orderly, forecasted, planned and so forth according to proven metrics for use along the way - as if you couldn’t tell.)

Though I would hope the reader does not hear me as disappointed. There is a greater good happening in me and to me as a result of this sabbatical journey. I can’t help but be reminded of Frodo and his mission to destroy the Ring.  As Frodo moved in closer and closer to his final destination, his physical and mental trials grew as if something really didn’t want him to successfully accomplish what he set out to do.  Thankfully I have had none of the problems like meeting Shelob, or Nazgûl along the way, in fact my whole adventure has been absent of any real harm or safety concern. Perhaps my own Shelob and Nazgûl has been the unexpected, or miscommunication, perhaps even impatience.  These characteristics can wreak havoc on my ambitious adventures, especially since I like things planned out so neatly while I take on more new things (and I really like taking on new things - just ask those closest to me).  

I suppose I saw a conclusion that involved my future with some non-profit organization helping those who are disenfranchised, broken and in poverty.  Or perhaps I saw it running my own business that brought conscious home solutions to the houses that people lived in. Maybe still I saw myself running through fields with a brown robe on singing “kum-bye-yah”, and dancing with all of creation.....well no, maybe not that one exactly, but I did honestly try to look at all the options.   So, what I’ve found is that instead of just one conclusion for this effort, I’m seeing a series of transitions that make up the conclusion.  In other words, there is a series of transitions that will impact various areas of my life - some areas more radical than others.  Interestingly enough,  other areas of my life will continue on this journey, just not the same way its been for the last 11 months.  For example; my catholic conversion is continuing in waves of newness - even after almost a year.

The obvious change for me will be the actual employment part, because while it would be nice to live forever on our savings (without working), it just isn’t possible.  As I shared, I was intending on being very open with my employment desires - thinking that maybe something radically different would come as a result of all this journeying. However, I simply couldn’t avoid the God-given talent that I’ve grown into; that is what I know and do so well.  This “talent” as it were is building strategies or answers for institutions in need of direction. For some reason, I’m talented at helping organizations work through their problems by finding a “right-fitting solution”.  In my short lived life, I’ve observed more company-invested resources in the finding of a right solution rather than the actual execution of a solution.  Taking this thought internally and thinking self-critically: finding the “what I really need” is more difficult than actually “how the need is to be accomplished”.  For me, and perhaps others, that “what” has been harder to articulate than the “how”. I suppose if I sat down to think about it, it would make sense, but right now I won’t - because my brain is hurting from all this talk of wordy transition. Alas, my talents will continue to support institutions attempting to solve real problems.  

Thinking about other reasons why I couldn’t avoid the use of this “Tim-Talent”,  I noticed how I was in a place of relying on personal brand, skill set, and experience to help conclude the journey from rest to work. Asking for advice from people much more brilliant than I enabled me to see things clearly - so long as I was open and honest with myself. Interestingly enough, this network was incredible, helpful and encouraging.  Thank you Jim, Rick, Alice, Craig, Doug, Vic for your openness and insight. I’ve learned to have a healthy dose of patience and prayer through the discovery of “what” and it has been successful. And almost as if it were scripted, the “how” just slid into place.  The network and bridges and connections worked flawlessly to help with my move back into the work life. Furthermore, there is an organization that really wants me on board - and I want to be part of what they are doing.  

While heading into the world of the working is possibly the most obvious change (well, maybe that and the new haircut), it’s all the other changes that I’m actually thinking about. How will I take this 11-month journeying experience with me? Will I revert back to whatever I was before hand?  Is this more of a joyous birth? Perhaps a saddening death? Or maybe it is a “joyous death” into something new - another beautiful life change coming out of something that comes to an end? Alas, “conclusion” seems to be the right word here, but I’m afraid the specific definition eludes me.  The truth is, I’ve changed. I am very different than I was one year ago: I’ve converted to the Ancient Christian [Catholic] faith. I’ve changed careers from one, to none, to another. I’ve had literal, emotional, and spiritual mountaintop moments. And, I’ve changed the daily life patterns in my home. Not too long ago, my priest gave me the best advice relating to these changes: “Tim, you may be taking a bigger bite of spiritual cake than you can manage”. After a hearty laugh from both of us,  I realize that I’ve changed so much in just one years time, that I now need to change how I change. And, I can start that by (of all things) slowing down from the sabbatical.

So conclusions, changes, new directions, and new home experiences.....is it safe to say  that getting back into the work mode might be the “break from rest” (or the “what”) that is needed here? Lets play this out....maybe the next 12 months looks like a “Second Strait, Part 2: The Life Changes That Spilled Into Life”.

For those who have prayed for me, watched my journey, experienced it with me, and waited for more updates, I’m very grateful.  I had never known or expected how many folks were wanting to know more.  I hope to continue the publications on some frequency.  Your continued prayers and thoughts are always welcome.  God bless you and may He make the journey you are on become more real and unexpected - in ways that make your soul sing back to Him.

Stay tuned......